A Daughter's Legacy

It has taken 25 years for me to come to accept the passing of my first daughter. This is something that I have found has no time line.

For years and years it is something you just learn to live with, for me it was an imaginary door, in my own mind the only way I found to deal with the loss was to create a door in the back of my mind, it is Red and has windows on the side of it. To hide the pain and the "shame" of losing my daughter, I imagined opening this door and I pushed every feeling inside, stuffed it, put my back to it and closed the door!

The windows were my symbol that sometimes these "feelings" would leak out and I could open that door and shove more in as the years went by. In doing so, I found that this was my avenue for living day to day. You see, if you have never had this happen directly to you, you really cannot understand what we are left with. Vast emptiness that can never be fulfulled!

Just recently I found "an avenue", I found a way that I could open that door and "LOVE" what I see. I don't have to close that door any longer, I can live with it.

In doing so, I want others to know what I have found. I have recently ( a few months ago actually) found a website called "CafeMom" that has a thousands of "addictive" groups just for women. This has been an eye opening experience for me because a couple of "groups" that I have since become a part of is for women (Mothers) who has recently or in some time of their lives lost a child. I have seen posting's of the exact same "feelings" I went thru for years, yet now I have chosen to go the other route.

I opened the door in my mind and allowed my LOVE for Lindy to come out, and in doing so I have been trying to send some of my knowledge to the "new ones". This is it, this is the key (Besides TIME), because in actuallity Time is the only life we have!

In reading these posts and trying to help, I have found that Mothers are screaming out, HA, I knew that, only we scream in silence! After a certain period of time we are expected to "deal" with it. As we call "the others". Which is You.

The "others" represent all people who are mindless in thinking that losing a child is the same as losing your beloved dog or cat!

Here is news for the "others", Please I pray you never lose a child! That much I will give to you!
After a year seems to be the given mourning period, I've seen some that were expected to get over it within about 6 months. Give me a break.

This is how it works:

1. The loss.
2. The Shock.
3. The Disbelieve.
4. The Endless crying.
5. The Hatred for GOD.
6. The Questioning of Life.
7. The Dull feeling.
8. The Vast darkness.
9. The Hiding of your crying.
10. Hiding the emotions.
11. Finding a place for the pain.
12. Finding Life again.

Six months to a year, not quite, the first six were just within the first 6 months. From there on its just a matter of the person. For me, #9 lasted a very long time, as came #10. #11 took me a while but I have been thru so much pain up to that point, and I was pregnant with my second daughter at the time I lost my first, that I found a small reason to come out of the darkness a little early. It was the birth of my 2nd daughter. You see, I had something to live for again, I had something that needed me and needed my Love!

Twelve steps, maybe. I had never thought about it before. There maybe a few I left out, these are what I remember the most and what I see everyday from the "new moms".

Look for another post from me on "Advice to the Others". If you have ever been around someone that has lost a child, the first emotion you always show of course is your own disbelief. And you give your condolences, but what do you do afterwards? How do you handle the person a week later or a month or a year? You would be surprised as to what I remember coming across.

Good day, and come back!

In the beginning........

In the beginning God made us mothers, to bear the children of the future. To love, to cherish, to hold and sometimes, unfortunately, to let go.



The questions are forever and ever unanswered but in time, the questions grow silent inside most of us if not all. Time is the only answer, not a cure, never is there any medication that will ever cure this pain so many, many mothers carry for the rest of their lives.



I lost my first daughter, Lindy, 25 years ago. To recant the day is always the hardest of all. It has to come from the pit of emptiness I carry with me every single day. Short and simple, she was 3 1/2 and she was hit by a car, in front of my house, chasing a kitten. The details are long and I will probably post those. But the reason for this first one is to show at least what she has brought me without even knowing it. What I have now is something I have carried for all these years, not knowing what to do with it. I hope in some invariable way other Mothers will know, and hopefully the "others" that are around us will see how to cope with the grieving Mom.

There are many resources to flip through and church's and groups. The best medicine I found was groups, especially those that are linked to your experience. Here people really do understand what you are going through, they understand and can help you get past the hard times and rejoice in the good moments as well.

I plan on having many links, so be patient. One I found that is tremendously helpful right now is on CafeMom website. CafeMom is free and signup is very easy. In the search engine under "find groups" you can link into one of main groups called "Grieving, surviving the loss of a child".
http://www.cafemom.com/group/angelchildren

This group is quite active. There are plenty of Moms here that will give you support and help answer your questions, concerns, share and listen in your grief. It is amazing what you can post through your tears! Even more amazing to find you are not alone!

This is positively the best medicine.